Off the Fence.

Earlier I came upstairs with a huge glass of water, bedecked in my exercise clothes, ready to do the deed. Suddenly, and somewhat unexpectedly, I decided I didn’t want to exercise right then. I tried to make myself. I even started the DVD, but eventually, I managed to talk myself out of it.

I am tired today. Not much sleep last night.

I had goose bumps on my arms because I was freezing cold, so I decided to treat myself to a bubble bath.

In the middle of the afternoon?

What?

Instead of my daily workout?

What?!?

It’s okay.

I will exercise before the day is done. It is part of me, it is who I am, it is what I do. Finally, after fourteen years, it’s what I do.

Whilst filling the tub and relishing my goose bump free arms, I glanced sideways and noticed the candy bar I had brought with me.

Yes.

A candy bar.

To the tub.

This is NOT what I do, at least not lately that is. While looking at it I started thinking. There is so much about me that has changed, so much that I have not wanted to talk about.

I have been on the fence.

I am not sure why, really, but today I got an idea.

This morning, before all this happened, I happened to see an old, maybe a year or so, photo of myself. I was shocked. Then suddenly I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my response, truthfully. It has been awhile since I saw pictures that far back, and my have things changed. I had no idea how much.

I have so much to say about it all. It has been a journey that I guess would be unfair to keep to myself. You see, the secret, this thing I have been afraid to admit, is that I have lost 138 pounds.

*deep breath*

There, I said it.

I am off the fence.

I should be celebrating.

I know. I am going to start, tomorrow.

When people tell me I look good, and then, not knowing what is so different, ask if I have changed my hair ( I wish there was a haircut out there that would do what this has done for me), I don’t dare say “no, I have lost weight.” You see, then they would ask how much, and I will have to say the words one-hundred-thirty-eight-pounds out loud.

I have not wanted to say it to just anybody because there is a certain amount of shame about it. What kind of person NEEDS to lose 138 pounds?

Me.

I did.

*deep breath, again*

Here is the interesting part, I was a good person, in fact I was the same person I am today, there was just a little more of me. I was happy, loved, and perfectly content, actually. I was fine before. I was not embarrassed or ashamed.

I didn’t start this whole thing because I was not happy with myself. I just wanted to do better, to be a better example of health, and even the desire for health, to my girls. I wanted to feel like I did when I was 23, before my life (and my body) became temporary property (and even temporary living quarters) of four of the best little people around.

I wanted to find myself a little.

So here I am, almost a year later, and I feel like I have uncovered something once thought lost. Something familiar, yet new in so many ways.

I am better than I was at 23 in all the important ways. I have learned a lot. I am perfectly okay with myself, which is a wonderful gift from a loving father in Heaven, and also , that of time.

So, now when people ask me if I have been losing weight I will proudly say, yes, and I won’t automatically feel guilty for needing to in the first place.

And when people ask me for all my tips, because they do ask for tips, the first thing I will tell them is how I have learned to never eat an entire candy bar, especially, in the bathtub, even when celebrating.